My artistic confendence is DEAD, R.I.P.

So I cooled down, but I'm faaaaar from better. I put half my stuff back up cause it 'isn't fair' to store away art I contributed. To be honest it isn't. Just cause I can't stand it anymore doesn't mean other people and watchers have to counted out. Also considering my Exteral harddrive melted down taking most of that art and whatever garbage of a story I had to share with the world to hell with it, I might as well keep up what I have left, right?

The issues that I had with others have with dealt with _{(Except a few cause I'm a big fat coward)} Most all of it is my own fault anyway because I never addressed when I should have. Since I didn't say anything for this long I don't think they realize how this impacted me aside from holding it in for this long... and I still am holding back.

Instead of drawing on my own time like I said I've drawn nearly nothing since, and when I get inspired it's corrupted by the need to try and impress I even though about joining OCTs again but I don't want to do either of these things. I feel I need to go to artist rehab to learn how to stop trying to base my art on what other people would like and appeal to and just draw from my heart like I used to. What's worst is drawing was a coping mechanism for my anxiety but now all it causes IS anxiety and since I stopped I been getting stress dreams.... I'm a mess and I try not to show it by being all upbeat, and retarded-happy. It's not helping. Once again trying to please everyone f**king doesn't help me.

Right now, I'll be just happy to trying and be able to calm myself down in general, so I don't have a frickin' heart attack!!!